i know i'm on edge about waking zoey up, when i wonder with intense fear, "did i just chew that almond too loudly?!!??!" and God forbid if the air conditioner changes it's noise to amp up the cooling, i almost have a heart attack! it's something like macrocosm/microcosm...but i'm too tired to piece together what i'm thinking. in other words, i get so intensely focused on zoey (her needs, her possible pain, be it gas, an empty belly, or sleep deprivation) all day, especially when i don't leave the house and talk to adults, that every nerve in my body is buzzing. will it be the end of the world if she wakes up? no. it will be unpleasant for all, but life will still go on. yes, i've always been this high strung. at least i know it and try to relax, or at least acknowledge that it's fixable by thought. i realized this all tonight as eric, tired as a 3rd shift x-ray technician, absentmindedly rubbed my ankle as he lay at the foot of the bed and i sat nursing zoey. suddenly i felt like i was lying on a cloud of cotton candy, and i came to the conclusion that ankle anxiety means i need to take it down a notch. it's hard. i'm extremely apathetic, and zoey's pain or even little uncomfortableness is mine. i guess i have to remember, we all have our own karma, and my job is just to help her through it any way i can. note: she slept from 10pm until 5am last night! it's not like she's wailing in pain all the time, but she has her moments.
No comments:
Post a Comment