i had things to write earlier, but i'm so tired now i cannot think well. zoey had extra trouble this evening falling asleep. she was very upset by something we could not detect. she stopped mid freakout to smile and talk to her pooh mobile, while eric and i stood staring at her lying on the changing table, looking like the most tired people on earth. until eric turned on the radio white noise, it was horrible. she fell asleep at that point in my arms, and as usual, became wide eyed for about half an hour after i put her in the swing. then, she fell asleep. i should go to sleep myself.

in other news, she discovered her ear yesterday, and didn't know what to do with it. she continues to notice her hands when they make it to her mouth. she tugged on her hair the other day too. fun to watch. today, she noticed and talked to her plastic hanging fish on one of those baby gym things.

must go sleep now.

yoohoo

she sleeps like mimi

fall river walk

monchichi

sometimes she freaks out when she wants to sleep. it's like torture to hear her scream. we have to jiggle and shush her until she calms down, and gives in to sleep, then put her in the swing where she opens her eyes immediately, yet sits there calm for crucial minutes. after about two pacifier ptooeys onto her lap, and much anticipation on our part, she goes to sleep for hours.
usually she smiles and gasps at her pooh mobile even coming straight out of a screaming episode. she's started to recognize toys and react to them. she definitely listens to things, especially our voices, and the alligator that makes bubbling water sounds. we call him the bong gator. she's now 10.5 lbs roughly and has cute chubby thighs with hard to navigate creases.

you know

i know i'm on edge about waking zoey up, when i wonder with intense fear, "did i just chew that almond too loudly?!!??!" and God forbid if the air conditioner changes it's noise to amp up the cooling, i almost have a heart attack! it's something like macrocosm/microcosm...but i'm too tired to piece together what i'm thinking. in other words, i get so intensely focused on zoey (her needs, her possible pain, be it gas, an empty belly, or sleep deprivation) all day, especially when i don't leave the house and talk to adults, that every nerve in my body is buzzing. will it be the end of the world if she wakes up? no. it will be unpleasant for all, but life will still go on. yes, i've always been this high strung. at least i know it and try to relax, or at least acknowledge that it's fixable by thought. i realized this all tonight as eric, tired as a 3rd shift x-ray technician, absentmindedly rubbed my ankle as he lay at the foot of the bed and i sat nursing zoey. suddenly i felt like i was lying on a cloud of cotton candy, and i came to the conclusion that ankle anxiety means i need to take it down a notch. it's hard. i'm extremely apathetic, and zoey's pain or even little uncomfortableness is mine. i guess i have to remember, we all have our own karma, and my job is just to help her through it any way i can. note: she slept from 10pm until 5am last night! it's not like she's wailing in pain all the time, but she has her moments.

ear candy

she smiles a lot now, especially at her pooh mobile, when on the changing table.

holy crap! a rabbit!

hanging out while mom makes dinner.

angelic

she was on her way asleep anyway, but was a bit squirmy. after a preparatory selection of "rhinestone cowboy" by glen campbell, what helped her go all the way to dreamville? ll cool j "mama said knock you out" playing on my laptop. HA.

we didn't win the car

today zoey went to her first outdoor festival thingy. friday, eric called me to tell me the exciting news that he had won an air freshener. ? . and later mentioned it meant he had a chance to win a car from a radio station...which is why we went to summer fest at the providence pier. zoey didn't flinch once at the very loud generic outdoor, fried food, free trade selling, corona sponsored volleyball tournament, gala. later, we headed to the beach where she was very good. no meltdowns, but holy cow did she eat! she's getting plump and i love it. we have moved the swing into her small "room" area which is essentially the same room as our bedroom because she sleeps well in it. it's sometimes heartbreaking to see her in it, totally swaddled tightly in a blanket and strapped in with what i learned is a "five point harness system" from another lady at a la leche meeting. she looks like she's being restrained at an asylum. however, she sleeps well and seems to be very peaceful and happy there, so be it. in the meantime we whisper and watch movies on the laptop with our two headphones on. i'm tired, really tired, but happy. i'm afraid to say it, but i can't wait until she's awake AND happy and playing for more times during the day. she is awake a lot now, but is usually unhappy about it.

yeah, so i just pooped, you wanna piece of me?!

the money shot

have you EVER seen a sweeter look in your life?!

today i sold $28 of clothing that i didn't like that much, for zoey, and ended up buying $33 more with that credit...i can't stop! everything is so cute. at least i kept myself from buying the $24 dress with the wiener dog on it at gymboree. ridiculousness....

smiley

she has a finger fettish. why won't pacifiers suffice?! i know why, but i wish they would. i just need to stop wanting/needing to do things like laundry, eating, and other such things. okay, so i shouldn't complain. i mean she does sleep like 6 hours a night, and sometimes takes a two hour nap during the day...but it's like she falls asleep with the finger in her mouth and if you take it out she wakes up. what a tease, just when we're so close to the freedom of going to the bathroom, or doing the dishes, or playing on the internet for a bit. i'm spoiled, i know.

she's going bald, or her head is getting bigger in a way that moves away from where hair previously was. (she sleeps a lot at night, but i usually need 10 hours to not sound stupid so give me a brake nel carter) no, i think it's that she's loosing her sweet hair. how is it possible that the child of the two hairiest people in the world is going bald?! i wonder if it will all fall out. when it comes back in is it stubbly? ewwww.

i haven't started using cloth diapers yet, although the plan is there. anyone know where the heck you can get diaper pins this day in age? i'm guessing the A&P or IGA...maybe a new fangled store like Stop N Shop has them...but Target didn't.

anyway, i've said too much already....

funny

bushed at the beach and an already classic zoey face...
it's overwhelming how many pictures can be taken with a digital camera. i sometimes think i take too many, but then i see other people's pictures and would gladly look at hundreds of what they see through the lens. so i'll keep going and not think it excessive. at least i take time to observe life without the camera most of the time.
zoey can see things like my hand and toys moving in front of her now. she doesn't care to play with them, but she likes to watch. so that takes up about .054 percent of the day, the rest involves nursing for 5 to 10 minutes while being poked prodded and tickled by me so she'll stay awake, then falling asleep regardless, waking up 10 minutes later, if that long, crying with only one wish, more nursing. this happened for 6 hours, no exaggeration, today. what the HELL?! is this normal? the illustrious internet simultaneously tells me that EVERYTHING is normal and should call the pediatrician immediately. according to the diapers her system is working correctly, so i will not worry, but instead be exasperated until this phase ends.
i'm addicted to a newly formed scrumptious bouquet of nerd-reforming style reality shows. one of them depicts some nerds and three "master pickup artists". an enthralling guilty pleasure. this is what i have become...

crazy kiddy

zoey is asleep in the swing with her mini chewbacca doll. it's a stuffed animal actually, but i like to call it a doll. the phrase "chewbacca doll" is a good mix of tough and sweet i think.
after zoey ate for about 2 hours straight this morning, after not taking a nap, and eating more earlier, i hit the road on my first solo mission since she was born. i drove the mitsubishi, since the subaru is in the shop AGAIN, and drove like a teenager, but with great skill and knowledge of a seasoned driver, to pick up a prescription and then to the grocery store. i blasted the radio, which i haven't done in a long time. i called once to check on the bebe. she was asleep and eric said to stay out longer if i needed. sweet! so i went to staples to get address labels. oh the excitement. wish the air conditioner worked in that car though, what a scortcha today.

she is still the sweetest pea. she's been to the ocean twice, doesn't care, too windy, and just wants food when she's there. i've enjoyed swimming while grandmothers dupont and brown got some baby love, on two different occasions. she continues to prefer the finger over the pacifier and gets what she wants. who wants a baby to cry? she smiled at eric and i intentionally and of course it's our greatest accomplishment and reward when she does.
not much else...papa, eric's dad, is being very good at being quiet around the baby. he's a sweet grandpa. he lets us live here, and doesn't yell at me for cluttering up his bachelor pad with baby paraphenalia, of which there is an abundance, and craft projects i fail to complete before zoey wakes up crying for milk.
so sleepy today, i am.